I don't want to beg anymore.
I don't want to beg for your attention your love your kindness I can't keep begging for you to be understanding. I can't keep being broken over you and everything that has happened. I would ask for a love again, a love that trumps everything, and makes every single other feeling I've felt disappear. If I could, I would ask for passion and someone who understands me and someone who I don't have to beg for love from them. I don't want someone who just watches me cry. I need someone who will help me pick up my own shattered pieces. Everyday I get closer and closer to asking myself why I stay when I keep all my feelings inside in order to put you first.
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I am more than enough.
I am more than what you trained my brain to think. You trained me to feel like I wasn't good enough. You trained me to feel weak and overpowered by you. You might not have done it on purpose, or maliciously, but every choice has a consequence. I am more than enough. I am more than you leaving me to choose you and only you every time. You ask for sacrifice, but I ask you for the same thing and you can't answer. You look at me like I've shocked you by questioning your motives. I have feelings too. I have emotions and I have my strong points and weak points. I am brave and real and I am more than what you've tried to install in my brain. Any person would be lucky to have me in their life. I am more than enough. 2 years and 6 months. 916 Days. 21,984 Hours.
I have known you for that long. I have held your hand across 11 seasons of weather and life. Recently, I have laid next to you for 306 consecutive days. Each night I pray to a God who I'm not sure exists that you will be okay. That you won't go too soon. I want to make sure you are safe, and sound. I lay and intently listen for the slow, low breath escape from you to let me know you're okay. I lay in this dark room and see nothing but the stars glowing slightly on out ceiling. I am okay with that because I know you are right here next to me. A tap away in this dark room. I am tired.
I am tired of feeling like I have to be so good to these people who don't do the same for me. I am tired of feeling. but it's okay. I have to just wake up and pretend like it's all okay again. like I'm happy. I thought these nights were over,
nights where I spent the whole night alone nights where I went to sleep without you. nights where I felt the loneliest I had in a long time. He makes me feel the warmest on the cold nights. He makes me feel at peace with the world. But not when he's gone. 14 months of nights without him. I thought I wouldn't have to do that again ever. When he walks out that door and I'm left to wait for him to finally make it back home, it tears me apart. It makes me feel terrible. It's been over a year since we've talked.
I wrote you a letter a long time ago. I'm 99% sure you didn't read it. But maybe you did and you didn't care. Or maybe it was too hard for you. Or maybe you just really hate me. Whatever the case, I'm still sorry how it happened. Not for the things I "did" to you. Because through this journey of self discovery and a search for my true friends, I realized, you are not and never were one of them. So I'm saying, of course I wish we could've stuck it out and been friends forever. I wanted to travel with you, I wanted you to be my maid of honor, I wanted to be in your wedding party, I wanted to experience our lives while still remaining in each others. I hope you're good. It seems stupid and basic to say that, but I really do. I'm letting go and for a good reason. I wanna be good. I wanna feel at peace. I don't wanna feel anger towards this situation when this was supposed to happen. If in the future, we find our way back to each other, I'll be happy. But now, I am letting go. Thank you for being my best friend for so long. If it's true and you are mine, why do i feel so low?
Why am I breaking both of our hearts claiming we will be happier in the long run because i don't believe that. I can't see a future past you. I used to see everything clearly but now I can't. it's like ive been cursed and all i have left to hold on to is "if it's meant to be, it will be." why do i have to suffer through this alone? I have a hole in my broken heart
it hurts so bad most nights i cry but not every night everyone says i shouldn't be upset that i should forget but only you know that the hole in my heart and the pit in my stomach can only be filled by love from you but what you did overshadows it every detail hurts it comes back and stabs me in the heart over and over and when i think im healing it comes back out of nowhere like a wave on the shore for a second it covers me and then its gone but it always comes back you say youre sorry and that you've changed and i want to forgive you i dont want to leave you im trying so hard its hurting me all i want is you the hole in my heart only wants the one who created the hole. Dear Ex Best Friend,
Since I was in 2nd grade, you were the person I knew I needed to keep around. You became my best friend, and you felt like my sister. Fast forward to 6th grade, we were reunited after being separated for two years by different schools. I remember you and everything after that. Even though we were young, I know that I always thought of you as my friend. I believed that was never going to change. I remember the times you helped me through my stupid heartbreak, your angry rants of frustration towards your parents, your back and forth relationship with that guy who didn't deserve you anyways. I also remember how many times you helped me get through rough times at my parents house. How many times you agreed that I didn't deserve it what I was going through at the time. You were my best friend. And no one could've replaced you. Not until we graduated high school, spent the summer apart, and I moved 1000 miles away. Since that fateful day of our graduation, we didn't see much of each other. We were both in new relationships so I don't blame either one of us. After I moved away, you didn't call, text, or keep in touch like a best friend would. I tried so hard to keep in touch with you and our other friend. It seemed like both of you had a different objective in mind. That was not being my friend any longer. I finally got to Facetime you on Thanksgiving night. That was the only time we even got to talk. Every other time, you were too busy for a conversation. I have to admit, I felt like I was invisible to you. Before, I had felt overshadowed by you, but now, I felt like I didn't even matter... Christmas break came and I finally got to come home. We hung out twice the whole break. You gifted me a necklace with my initial on it and I gifted you a make up set. Everything seemed like normal, like you were still my best friend and nothing changed. It was not until I got back to school after break that I realized nothing was the same. Although you seemed fine in person, over text (which was what I relied on since I was gone) you didn't bother to talk to me. I became fed up with the lack of communication and one day I texted you again and told you how I felt like you weren't my best friend and you hurt me. You said that I wasn't the same person I was before and that you hated that I never took your advice. It still confuses me, I didn't know a best friend meant you had to listen to every word the other said. I explained how I had my own opinion but you didn't like how "disrespectful" I was to you by not listening. You told me that a year ago you stopped wanting to be my friend because I had a boyfriend at the time who was abusive to me. I wanted to leave that relationship, I just didn't know how. I realized that you faked our whole friendship for nine months. You pretended to still love me unconditionally and take what things I had going on. You came to my going away party and you wrote me a card so sweet, I kept it. I cried before I left thinking what could happen between us. Because although I've been through boy heartbreak, I knew for a fact that I would be shattered if I lost you. We went on and on over text arguing. I argued that I didn't understand why this happened and that your reasons didn't make sense. You spilled the truth about how your family hated me and that you were sick of me. I felt hurt by everything you said and to this day, I still have the text thread on my phone. I don't know why, but I do. I know that if I ever reread that thread, my stomach will drop and I will feel worthless like how I did after the conversation. It ended with you and your family blocking me on everything. Your mom—my second mom—ended up blocking me, which I think hurt the most. I had a lot of problems with my parents growing up and your house always felt like a safe haven for me. Now that I knew that I didn't have that safe place to be anymore, I broke down. I broke down after you told me that you didn't care about me anymore. I felt broken that you hid everything from me for so long. I still feel numb thinking about all of this. Reflecting on this after 6 months, it still digs deep and it still turns the knife in the wound. My mom told me that maybe we could rekindle the friendship. That we are both in different times in our lives. I honestly don't know if we could, let alone if I would want that. This isn't the story of how the friendship made me a better person or of how I can move on. It still hurts. It hurts more than every person I've lost before combined. Because you were the best friend. You were the one I counted on. Yet, I still feel sorry for everything you said I did to you. I'm sorry. Sincerely, Your Ex Best Friend. Nine months ago, I moved from Seattle, Washington to Los Angeles, California for college. Three months prior, I met the love of my life in my hometown. His name is Devin. I fell in love with him weeks after meeting. Our connection was the strongest I had ever felt about anyone in my entire life. He made me feel special and like we were the only two in the world. Being 18, this was all too good to be true. But it wasn't. I felt right in the world. I didn't mean to fall in love with Devin since at the end of the summer I was planning to move two states away. But everything up until the end of the summer told me to spend as much time possible with him and to follow my heart.
Our story began in the summer and everyday was spent with him. It was the best summer of my life and I would never change it. July to September was so fast paced and every day my heart grew more. At the end of September, as I was packing for my move, we decided we didn't want to stop being with each other. Long distance was the scariest decision for both of us, but we put our doubt to the side and trusted in one another. Soon enough, I was on my plane to LA and he was still in Seattle. The change didn't set in until I was all settled into my new apartment and I realized he wasn't a car ride away anymore. We FaceTimed every day, sometimes for hours at a time. I missed him so much. From going from seeing someone everyday to never took a toll on me. I was homesick, not only for him, but for my family and friends. We both were so distraught that we put what money we had together and bought him a plane ticket for the end of October. Seeing him again after a month was so surreal, and I was so happy; it was like no time had passed and we were glued at the hip again. Not only was he my boyfriend, he was my best friend. Throughout the time I've lived here and not in Seattle, there have been good days and bad days for the both of us. We have both thought about quitting because it's so hard, we have both talked the other one out of it. Care packages, long texts, letters, and more have been exchanged. We memorize each other's schedules so we know when we have time to talk. Although we are both unhappy that the other one is gone, we are still happy to have each other. Now, nine months since I've moved, and a year since we've met, we are still as strong as we once were. Maybe even stronger. We don't get to see each other frequently, but I am so grateful for the times we do. Money is tight so plane rides back and forth get expensive, and sadly, we are not rich. Since I left, he got his own apartment with his best friend and got a full time job. He pays rent and insurance and other bills, so extra money to travel isn't a thing right now. I have been spending a lot lately since I just went home for my two week summer break. Now, I'm back in LA and I'm just waiting to save more money. I have school and a part time job so it get stressful but I always know that I can call him if I need to rant, cry, vent, or get my mind off anything. The truth about long distance relationships is that it takes two people who are willing to put in effort for the other person. Time to chat is a need too. People look at the words "long distance" and freak out. Devin and I are lucky to be in the same time zone. But even if we weren't, I know we would make it work. Everyday, he says "I love you" a thousand times and he means it. Everyday, he makes it known that he is in it for the long run. Everyday, my love for him gets bigger and stronger. In a few months, he plans to move to LA to be with me and attend school. I am so excited for the future with him. For those of you faced with the decision to try long distance, follow your heart. No one should be afraid of love, no matter how far. |
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